One liners

Here are a few of my favourites:

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Always go to other peoples' funerals, or they won't go to yours.

Few women admit their age, few men act it.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those you can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Save a tree. Eat a beaver.

Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

DNA: National Dyslexic Association.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

On the other hand...you have different fingers.

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

All generalizations are false.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

I can handle pain. Until it hurts.

No matter where you go, you're there.

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

This statement is false.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

We are all part of the ultimate statistic: ten out of ten die.

Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.

The hardness of butter is directly proportionate to the softness of the bread.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Quotes to make you think

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Those who can't hear the music, think the dancer is mad.

Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.

Ignorance is curable, stupidity is fatal.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading drive C?

Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.

The ultimate measure of a person is not where one stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where one stands at times of challenge and controversy. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare. Benedict Spinoza: The Ethics V

Those who cannot remember the past, are condemmed to repeat it. George Santayana: The Life of Reason.

People don't see the world as it is, but as they are.

Science is everything we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. David Knuth.

Anatidaephobia: the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. F.Scott Fitzgerald.

Simplicity of character is the result of profound thought.

Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers. Voltaire.

Many ideas grow better when they are transplanted into another mind than the one where they sprang up. Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Imagination is more important than knowledge. Albert Einstein.

Wise men talk because they have something to say, fools talk because they have to say something. Plato.

Usually I try to take it one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once...

In politics, stupidity is not a handicap. Napoleon Bonaparte.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

The probability of finding me in this office is inversely proportional to the magnitude of your urgency.

Push to test...release to detonate.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Happiness is not a destination, but a manner of traveling.

Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy and you go well with Brie.

Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence. Napoleon Bonaparte.

Living in fear is the same as fear of living. Either way, you have no life.

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Be alert - the world needs more lerts.

To know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded. Ralph Waldo Emerson.

When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.

Do you love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff that life is made of. Benjamin Franklin.

Due to operational requirements and financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off until further notice.

A good pun is it's own reword...

You know you've spent too much time on the computer when you spill milk and the first thing you think is, "edit, undo".

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you will help them become what they are capable of becoming. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

Toronto Welfare Department letters

I ran across this sheet of paper while cleaning house a couple of weeks ago and thought I'd pass it along. It admittedly got a few chuckles from me. I was originally going to write comments to each one...but...well...words seem to escape me.


Sentences taken from actual letters, received by the Toronto Welfare Department, from applications for aid and assistance.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died and was baptized on half a sheet of paper.

I am writing to the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old, when do I get my money.

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children, can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

This is my eighth child what are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he finds out.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing 10lbs is this satisfactory?

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children one of which was a mistake as you will see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a little girl will this make any difference?

I haven't any children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works both day and night.

In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

Water Everywhere and Not a Drop to Drink (For Free)

Watching Gran Torino and I thought I should probably update this blog too...got a few humour blogs to go in the near future. First up, an article by Dave Barry, I believe from one of the Kamloops newspapers, written a good 7-8 years ago or so. I hope it's okay to re-produce it here (with credit to Dave Barry, of course), just it's much too funny to resist!


Water everywhere and not a drop to drink (for free)

Gatorade is now making water. I know this because I saw a Gatorade commercial that asks the intriguing question: "What if Gatorade made water?" (Intriguing answer: Gatorade will charge you a dollar for a small bottle of it.)
The commercial features the usual cast of hyperactive Gatorade people, who have to constantly ingest massive quantities of fluids, or they shrivel up like dead toads on hot asphalt. Gatorade people dehydrate rapidly because they are fanatically dedicated to exercise, and as a result, perspiration-wise, they are human fire hydrants.
Even when they stand still, sweat gushes from their every pore, so that within seconds, they're surrounded by an expanding puddle of their own bodily secretions. People are constantly slipping and falling around them, but the Gatorade people don't notice. That's how dedicated they are.
The Gatorade people are similar to the Nike-commercial people, another group of fierce, focused, grunting competitors who give a minimum of 175 per cent and would not hesitate to elbow their own grandmother in the teeth if she stood between them and their objective (usually, a ball). The message of these commercials is that Nike people are winners, because they have heart, willpower, and the one "intangible" asset that all true champions possess: severely overpriced sneakers.
Here's an intriguing question: What if a Gatorade man married a Nike woman? THAT would be a competitive wedding. The happy couple would race each other down the aisle, the bride gaining a momentary advantage by jamming her bridle bouquet into the groom's eye, then the groom countering by stomping on her bridal train, snapping her head back like a Pez dispenser, while the guests cheered and jumped up and down in their sweat puddles. At the reception, everybody would eat a wedding cake made entirely out of Power bars, and take turns bench-pressing members of the band. Blood would be shed during the limbo competition.
But getting back to my point: Gatorade is now making water. It joins the rapidly growing list of companies, including Coke, Pepsi and (any day now) Yoo-Hoo, getting into the highly-profitable, multi-billion-dollar busines of making water.
Of course, when I say that these companies "make" water, what I mean is that they "do not make" water. There's no need to actually MAKE water, because there's already water all over the planet - water in lakes, water in rivers, water falling from the sky, water in your home plumbing system, water escaping from your home plumbing system causing your ceiling to collapse when you're away on vacation, water just EVERYWHERE.
What the bottled-water companies do is get some of this water, put it in bottles, give it a brand name, sell it to customers, then smack themselves in their corporate foreheads and say, "We can't BELIEVE we're getting away with this! Do you think they'd buy air? What about dirt?"
Incredible as it may seem, there was a time, years ago, when people right here in America actually drank the water that came out of their taps. Back then, if you had tried to "brand" water and sell it, people would have laughed and squirted you with garden hoses.
Today, of course, thanks to the educational efforts of the bottled-water industry, we consumers are terrified of our tap water, because we know that it contains some of the most deadly substances known to man: chemicals. To cite one example: Bottled-water-industry researchers recently issued an alarming report stating that virtually every sample of tap water they tested contained large quantities of hydrogen, which is a type of atom believed to have caused the Hindenburg dirigible disaster.
"We're not saying that people who drink tap water will explode into massive fireballs," assured the researchers. "We're just saying they should avoid open flames."
This is why millions of consumers now prefer bottled water, which - we know this, because we have seen it with our own eyes, in the commercials - bubbles up from pristine underground mountain springs, and thus does not contain any impurities, unless of course you count worm droppings.
I mean, let's face it, underground is where worms live, and very few worm species wear diapers. But big deal, bottled-water consumers! Ingesting worm poop (which is very low in fat) is a small price to pay for the security of knowing you are drinking water that is backed by the highest scientific quality of marketing campaign, right? So let's raise our glasses of brand-name water in a toast to health and fitness!
Ok, you Gatorade people, please put your arms back down.

Dave Barry is a humour columnist for the Miami Herald.