One liners

Here are a few of my favourites:

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Always go to other peoples' funerals, or they won't go to yours.

Few women admit their age, few men act it.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those you can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Save a tree. Eat a beaver.

Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

DNA: National Dyslexic Association.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

On the other hand...you have different fingers.

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

All generalizations are false.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

I can handle pain. Until it hurts.

No matter where you go, you're there.

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

This statement is false.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

We are all part of the ultimate statistic: ten out of ten die.

Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.

The hardness of butter is directly proportionate to the softness of the bread.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.