Sunday, December 20, 2009

Medic life on the rigs

This was originally a 'GCS joke' (uh, more on that later) blog, but then I was hit by the absolutely brilliant idea of spinning it into an update as well. On rig medic life. So, here goes. Hold onto your chair. Ahem.

It's been two months since the day I first hit the rigs. It started with a call from (insert company's name here - oh right, no I won't) to come up for 'orientation'. Orientation? Does that mean I'm hired? Just like that? While most other companies were performing interviews, this one just wanted to test you out in the field and see what you were made of - that was your 'interview'. I drove up anyways to chat money and hours with them and set up an actual orientation date. First things first, I obtained my H2S; hey, I was even 'taught' CPR by a firefighter! Turns out these firefighters are not just doing CPR fast because of adrenaline, they are being taught to do CPR fast.
"Faster, faster!" the man yelled, snapping his whip as we did CPR. Right, sorry, there was actually no whip snapping. But moving on.
Sweat flew and eyes bugged as we did our best to keep up to the beat he was drumming out. Actually, to be honest, no sweat flew either, but my eyebrows did raise at his request.
"100 beats per minute! FASTER!"

Later, he explained that CPR should be done according to the beat of the song "Staying Alive". This is also what we are taught as medics, so it made sense to me. It helps to think of the song when you're doing CPR because it gives you a steady beat to work off of; you do not end up rushing your CPR (and thus making it inadequate) due to the adrenaline rush you experience in that type of scenario. But Staying Alive is not the 200 beats/minute that he was enforcing like some drill seargent.

Anyways, it provided a good (albeit internal) laugh for me. Firefighters. *sigh*.

My orientation consisted of paperwork and a 4+ hour Petroleum Safetey Training course. Thrilling. Since my employer did not have the time for a 'truck' (etc) orientation, he/she promised to do it when I was next in to work. In a few days.

I arrived the morning I was to work, to be - to put it simply, shuttled into a truck and pushed out the door. No orientation. Is this a diesel? Is it Ford? Dodge? How do I work this radio-looking thing? AND HOW DO I GET TO THE SITE?!

Well, 8 hours of driving later, I finally arrived on site. I won't mention the part where I got lost. It was rather embarassing, until I realised it was not my fault - the directions were faulty. Just imagine an entire network of roads with signage galore, none of which you comprehend in the least. Roads leading everywhere and you have no idea where the fuck you are. Oh, and you do not have cell service for much of it. Yay! Because there's nothing else I'd rather be doing, than losing myself on rig roads! We won't mention either that I am not calling my kilometres on the radio because a) I have no idea how the radio works and b) I have no idea how or what I am supposed to be 'calling out' anyways. I had a good laugh on my way in though as I passed the 70km/h signs denoting that radar was present and would be enforced. Meanwhile I am using 4Low to get myself back onto the road I slid down as I rested on the edge to let an oncoming truck pass. I couldn't imagine someone travelling 70km/h on this road or anywhere near this pace, and the thought of police tramping through that muck...well that just made me giggle in joy at the prospect.

My first night in camp I was rather stressed as I tried to remember names of important guys, take in new information critical to my survival out there, and shelve further info that I wuold require later. By morning however I was feeling pretty confident and was getting along well with the crews in camp.

To say my first week in a camp was bliss is an understatement. I slept, I ate, I slept some more...and I was spoiled rotten. Apparently a ratio of 20 guys to each chick in camp is a favourable one for the girls. The guys were on their best behaviour and treated me like royalty (I was even privvy to special-made coffees and treats!). Hehehe. Oh yea, workin hard and livin the life. What I found to probably be the most amusing, was my befriending one of the guys that the previous (male) medic really disliked. While sitting in our truck, donning our PPE, the medic warns me in a grave tone that the guy we are about to meet is a 'real asshole'. But, we have to meet him and the man in question has to give me a company-specific and site-specific orientation. I waited an entire week and never met the 'asshole'. In fact, he was kind enough to take me on two rig tours and show me my way around, explaining everything on the rig down to the littlest detail - details I did not require to do my job proficiently, but details I was personally curious in myself. I'm a bit of a curious cat and love to learn how everything works. I actually admitedly really liked him, to my great amusement. Man, I love being a chick!

All in all, my first week was a success and resulted in a nice, fat paycheck. I was disappointed to leave the rig crews I had befriended, however a week and a half (or so) later I returned, though this time just for the weekend to relieve the medic on site.

It has been another three weeks since those jobs and I am now up at a new rig. The call from my dispatch came with a warning concerning this rig:
"Don't take what these guys say to heart, okay?"
"Well, they've run off all medics I have put in there. They even ran off the VP of our company when he went in there after so many unsuccessful medic runs."
"Oh." I narrowed my eyes. Did I mention I am highly competitive? This sounded like a challenge to me. No one had ever lasted long with this rig crew...but I was going to. Just watch me. Muahahaha, MUAHAHA-...right. Back to the story.

So with only slight trepidation, I packed my bags and headed up to our company base, in (oh wait, yea, not giving out that information either). I was to attend a two-day 'pre-scrub' (a bunch of meetings and orientation ++ prior to the job starting), of which 99 percent of the content did not apply to me - the 1 percent that did...I already knew, from being on this company's sites before. The second day of meetings centered around a 4-hour discussion of well casing sizes. Which sizes are to be used and in what ares of the well, what type of material is to be used, etc etc. I figured this would take maybe all of - oh, let's exaggerate here, and say ONE HOUR. Nope. Four. Long. Hours. I tried to pay attention to it, however it just didn't apply and was not even useful information I could log away for some later date. So I spent much of my time staring at the wall. I am all seriousness here. I literally stared at the wall. I am continually astounded at the amount of patience I have stored up for times like these. At least I was well paid. All the guys seem really nice and are willing to joke and play around with me. I think I like this rig, but what happens at the office might not be what happens at the rigs...

Day three was to be spent driving out to another of my company's locations prior to driving out to the rig site the following morning. I arrived at the shop to find them not in the least prepared for my departure. An hour and a half later, I was finally suited up and ready to go, truck in hand. 45 minutes on the road I get a call from dispatch.
"Can you do me a huge favour?"
Alarm bells ring and my normal 'without-even-thinking-twice-yes' becomes a "uh...yea?"
"Where are you?"
"About 45 minutes away."
"Can you turn around? Please."
Oh no, a pleading voice. I can't resist a pleading voice! I sigh as I hit a turn-around exit.
"There's another employee who needs to go up to (place) as well, and we were hoping you could take them?"
"Yea," sigh, "I'll be there in about 45 minutes."

Almost two hours later, I am BACK on the road, headed to (place). Cuz nothing sounds better than 10 hours of driving!! At least my passenger was good to drive a couple of hours from our destination, because by that point I was pretty dead tired.

I arrive at (place) and call the company's rep, HR. HR tells me, in a slightly-stressed voice, that they have been trying to call my boss all day (since well before I left for place) but have been unable to get a hold of her. The rig move is not taking place for another few days - it has been delayed. So I call dispatch. I notice that she had tried calling me only a couple of hours ago.
"Yes, I know it's been delayed, I called you earlier just to let you know, but we wanted you to go up anyways."
And what? SIT??! Are you PAYING me to sit here and do nothing?!! Oh, right, no, no you're not.

The night before I am supposed to go out to supervise the camp move, I call to confirm. The camp move is still on. The next morning I wake up bright and early and am ready. Only problem, is that the staff is not yet up and the main gate to the compound the trucks sit in, is locked. Of course I had no idea it was to be locked, or else I would have made previous arrangements. But it is. I sit, and I wait, and finally I decide I cannot wait any longer, so I wake the staff up. We get everything figured out, I run my truck in the -20-something (practically balmy considering previous temp's were sitting at -44 plus windchill) for 5 minutes, and take off. Of course, at those temperatures, 5 minutes is not sufficient to defrost anything. Did I mention there is no snow brush in the truck? Oh, well, there's no snow brush in the truck, which serves as an added annoyance. I finally make it to my meeting spot with the rig consultant, and we head out to the actual rig and camp sites...2 hours away. I follow them through the twisty, windy roads, and do my best to refrain from looking down when the slippery road drops off in sheer cliffs at times. At one point, we had to descend into a valley, then back up the other find a truck unable to make it up the hill. Finally the truck is helped up the road and the road is made a little more passable. My hands were quite sweaty by the end of the drive and I felt exhausted from the mental stress.

I spend the day in my truck, watching the men set up camp, and catching up on some reading. All in all it was not a bad day and was another show of my newly-found seemingly-unending patience. I skitter back home that night to sleep another night and pass by a couple more 'sitting' days. So far, so good, and everyone seems far (cue creepy music).

Luckily for me, the days pass by rather quickly and include a couple of day-jobs I take in. Easy stuff like switching out trucks at other rig sites, or dropping of supplies. Plus, I supervise (safety-wise) the camp move (for the same rig I am to work for) for a day. So I still earn some decent money, even for 'sitting' for 4 full days. Bonus, I also see plenty of moose and deer outside in the backyard of the place where I am staying - booya!

Finally it is camp day. The rig consultant gives me the option of coming in the day prior to the rig move, or coming in the early morning the day of. Uh, night owl here, I'll come in the afternoon prior. Plus, I earn an extra day of pay - no brainer decision here! This time, with my renewed rig-road confidence, I taunt the roads on my way in. I make it in safely to settle in my new 'home'. The consultant seems pleased to see me, and over dinner so far everyone is pleasant.

I am up the following morning just shy of 6am and spend the day idling in my truck nearby as they set up the rig. It's a bit fascinating to see a rig - and particularly this one, as it is a little unique - be set up from the ground up. The next couple of days pass easily and quickly with movies, some self-study from my medic books, and jokes with the consultants and anyone else I have the pleasure of being in contact with.

As I sit, I am in a shack on site (going back to camp for lunches and each evening) typing this up. Behind the shack I am cozied up in, sits a breath-taking forest lay spread before us. Meadows laden with several feet of snow lead up to a treeline that continues on for miles. The trees, tall and skinny Christmas trees, are frosted with a layer of snow as they sway in the light winds. Beyond the forests, hills rise and fall to eventually lie in defeat at the feet of towering, snow-encrusted mountains. It's an absolutely inspiring panaramic view. I can honestly say I could now probably drive the twisty, windy road from camp to lease with my eyes closed now. The road, which lines the western provincial border, silently cuts through meadow and forest alike and includes a bridge that gaps a frozen brook below. It is a beautiful place to be. The lease itself lies within a territory of land that keeps relatively warmer temperatures than the rest of the province, in fact, its temperatures approximate those in a town several hours off, the next province over. It is also a place though where several feet of snow can hit over a matter of hours. As I speak, snow drifts quietly by.

I sit facing the front of the shack, with my computer at the feet of a window overlooking the rig itself. Men swarm around either on foot or in various machines. Huge cranes tower over the lease. Each day, each hour even, visible progress is made. The rig has already grown an easy 30' taller just today. The derrick lies on its side on the ground, ready to be booted up tomorrow. It is an interesting sight to observe; I love the business of the place.

The best part is that I think I am starting to earn my way into this rig. I spend all day in a shack teasing and prodding the consultants, safety tech, and other members that cross my path. Soon (once the rig 'scrub' is completed), I will be spending my days instead up in camp, but you can bet I'll be back down here visiting often. I think I might almost be sad to leave here come the 23rd! Luckily for me, I can spend my January here as well as most of March if I want it (which I will, I could use the moula). Then I can return for June/July/August. So, looks like I might be here to 'stay', at least for a little while ;)

In the mean time though, back to my original reason for posting. So here I am, self-studying, and I figure I should re-study the GCS - a scale we use to rate the level of consciousness in a patient (minimum of '3', completely unconscious, and maximum - fully conscious and oriented, '15'). So I write it out on one of my many cue cards. And it occurs to me, these could be used to rate men! Like for example, under 'motor', for a patient to score a 6, they have to 'obey commands'. See where I'm going with this?? Yea, that's right, you medics out there know what I'm talking about. *Ahem*. Yea...too much time here. It was really funnier in my head, too...

UPDATE: Turns out the rig I was previously warned about turned out to be just another great crew - even they don't seem to know where the rumour arose of medics being run off. Who knows *shrugs*, but I am glad to have been posted there! After my previous-mentioned hitch there, I was home for a bit then returned for another 3 weeks with them. In total though, this last hitch I spent 4 weeks away from home - the first week being spent with a wirelining crew and another oil and gas company consultant. The three spent with 'my' rig proved to be uneventful and allowed for a lot of catch-up sleep (yay!), hehe. The boys are all great and each consultant has also been fab to work with. Unfortunately the road leading to the camp and rig site is falling away (into a canyon, to be more specific), so the rig has been shut down early :( I have since left for the Olympics and am hoping to get back on with the same crew and rig this summer, when they fire back up...we'll see!!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Elk v/s Wolves - a doomed relationship?

This blog will likely be a bit of a work-in-progress as epiphanies hit me, as my theories evolve, and as I do more research. (DT, I fully expect you to challenge some of this and to perhaps refine or evolve my theories by bringing up new points I had not yet considered (haha).) In the mean time, consider the following links I have dug up thus far concerning the effects of wolf re-introduction on elk (and other) populations:

Yellowstone National Park's gray wolves impact elk

These following two links (to one study) do not directly address the effects of wolves on elk herds, however it can be noted that wolves are likely not decimating elk populations...

Winter Severity and Wolf Predation on Formerly Wolf-Free Elk Herd

Full study (full version of the above)
"In summary, the relationships between reintroduced YNP wolves and previously wolf-free elk did not differ in any way that we could detect from wolf-prey relations in long-extant systems. This was true despite the high ratio of prey available to wolves and the large number of unculled prey."
"As wolves recolonize areas of the West outside Yellowstone National Park, concerns will be voiced about the possible effects of wolves on elk populations. Although this article does not directly address that issue, it does emphasize that the effect of wolves on elk numbers will be related to winter severity. Thus, any population modeling, hunting regulation changes, or other management reactions to wolf predation must consider this important relationship."

Petition - An interesting study-backed petition that suggests that wolf-introduction numbers are not yet sufficient.

Elk Having Fewer Calves due to Changes in Nutrition
I found the above study quite interesting, and it is logical. So then we are led to questions such as this perhaps being a learning curve for the elk? Rather than hunting wolves to 'control' elk populations from being indirectly pressured into having fewer calves (thus creating a population growth decline), perhaps we need to sit back and see whether this is a trend that continues, or if elk populations 'bounce back' as the elk acquire new survival skills that also allow them to reproduce successfully. I would be willing to bet that this sort of trend was observed when wolves were first re-introduced to some areas - within the first few years: more elk were likely killed than in later years as the elk adjusted to living with, and being preyed upon by, wolves. Prior to the wolf's re-introduction, elk were not required to strategize the same, as they were not significantly preyed upon by large predators (excluding humans).

Parks Canada - Elk management in Banff, courtesy (in part) of the wolf
"Strong limiting effects of wolves on elk appears essential to maintain integrity of the park ecosystem."
I think that it is very important to note how wolf populations mirror elk populations; check out the wolf graph and how it either increases or decreases according to the previous year's elk populations.

Elk Population Dynamics - another very interesting study re: wolves versus elk

The basis of my thoughts are the following: where were humans to 'control' animal populations prior to our habitation of, say for example, North America? I honestly doubt vikings and the First Nations people were counting elk and wolf populations (or other animal populations, for that matter) and hunting accordingly prior to 1492. Heck, I highly doubt even European settlers were counting and hunting accordingly, so as to 'control' populations (hence how the wolf was eradicated to begin with). Yet this earth has existed for hundreds of millions of years, and elk and wolf populations have evolved over the past 1.6 million years (Quaternary period, Cenozoic) co-exist together. Somehow, these populations all sustained themselves just fine without our intereference to 'control' them. In fact, it is human interference that created these ecological unbalances to begin with, from the Dodo bird, to Grizzly bears, to Wolves. On that note, it is also important to note that populations will fluctuate in nature - some time periods we will see larger elk populations than the land can sustain, and other time periods we could see wolf populations outnumbering elk populations, perhaps, even eradicating certain species (such as elk). That, however, is...nature. Species evolve, shaped by their environment, or are eradicated and a new species fills the ecological void created by the species 'lost'.

I think the key to elk-wolf balance are:
- large conservation areas with a suitable prey base
- prevention of population pockets isolated to small areas where migration and natural 're-introduction' is inhibited - spatial distribution
- low human impact and interference

Elk (and other prey species, such as Caribou) need access to large areas of diverse land so they have the best chance of survival - to find sustenance and avoid predation. On a related note, the potential for spatial distribution is also important, as prey-predator species need to be able to migrate so as to fluctuate and self-regulate populations in specific areas. For example, if wolves are decreasing elk numbers in a particular area, wolf packs need to have the ability to migrate to a new area and/or elk herds need the ability to migrate into different, wolf-dense areas. This in turn creates a balance in populations, through migration, and thus specific populations are not completely eliminated, particularly as wolf-elk relationships strive to attain their balance point (which will require years before relative stabilization). Much of this restriction though seems to be due to humans - housing developments, highways, direct human interference, etc. So what if we were to focus more on controlling/restricting human interference and impact moreso than direct animal populations?

As far as hunting goes, reducing or controlling human impact and interference and taking a step back from direct species population control could, in fact, result in there being less prey available to hunters, particularly short-term. Nothing against hunting, I fully support it, however I think we need to put the needs of our environment above our own - which may require us to chew down a few cows in lieu of elk (or caribou - the species of course depends upon the area and its individual situation) for a short while. Maybe. I realise unfortunately this is as unlikely a request as would be asking the American Quarter Horse Association to move futurities (detrimental to horses' health) from a horse's 3-year-old year to their 4-year-old year. Humans are involved, which invites Greed of earthly objects such as (waaait for it...) Money.

The other 'problem' with our limiting our impact and interference on Nature is then finding a way to co-exist with Nature. For example, if we do not 'control' coyote populations in Calgary, then we are dealt the card of learning to co-exist amongst a population(s) perhaps not regulated at a number we are particularly comfortable with. To elaborate: each year the Calgary Herald is ripe with letters to the editor from Calgarians concerned about the increased coyote population. They are concerned for their pets, for their children, for their health. However I think that, rather than resorting to 'control' of a population, it is perhaps our job then to better learn to co-exist with a population (from wolves to elk to coyotes). There are a number of ways to enable co-existance, from fencing Banff to keep elk outside the town and thus expose them to predation beyond the town's borders (such as lions and wolves, who will not come within a certain distance of the town's borders), to eliminating wild animals' access to garbage, and placing up electric fencing in certain situations to restrict wild animals from clashing with humans. Education (of humans) is also key.

On a personal level, I don't think we can, or should, kid ourselves in thinking we are so superior as to need to control nature by managing predator and prey relationships. Nature will balance itself out, though now we could (and are likely to) experience some drastic population fluctuates as nature seeks to repair the mess we as humans have created. For those who say wolves do not self-regulate - who regulated them prior to our presence and 'control' measures?

I just think we're getting into the same issues as those surrounding Grizzly and Great White Shark hunting. On that note, if you're interested in Grizzly behaviour and how we can co-exist with these bears, check out Grizzly Heart. It's a great read and for me, really confirmed what I felt in my heart. Perhaps I am wrong on this whole wolf issue, however I just feel it ignorant and proud of people to think that we, measly little humans, hold the Earth in our hands and are granted the knowledge and power to control and manipulate Nature, to its benefit. I think for certain we need to clean up some of the party mess we have left behind in particular cases, however I think we need to think deep and really consider our impact, even in 'fixing' our 'mess'. Our touch on Nature needs to be limited.

Furthermore, I think our previous experiences 'controlling' nature has further demonstrated our inability to do so. I feel like this is simply a repeat of our other similar failures, from decimating the shark and fish populations (shark populations stand at only 10 percent of their original populations - the Great White in particular is in danger of extinction), to elimination of the wolf in the first place, to placing our Grizzlies on the endangered list. Who are we to attempt control of a force larger than our own?

One last point to consider: where were 'we' when people are/were going up in helicopters and slaughtering entire herds of elk and deer, for that 'one good trophy rack'? What about when we 'bountied' the wolf to extinction in its native areas? Whilst we fatally and detrimentally affect our earth and its species, we propose to regulate the impact of a natural predator on its natural prey in its natural setting?

I'm not sure, but it's a complex issue with a lot of food for thought to consider.

How to be the perfect boyfriend

1. When she asks how she looks , shrug and say "could be better" - this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand , squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)
3. Once a month , sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning - this will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault - this will pave the way for her own personal improvement , and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them , because jewelry is for pussies and asian ladies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words f**k you and grab the other girls ass...girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special , then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset , tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket...then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?
14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like drinking.
15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair...this way she'll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say no, she's not hungry. Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.
21. When it's raining keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say no it's just the rain. Ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you @#%$ baby. Girls like a tough I've already stated.
22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.
24. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.
26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call.

31 things to do in an exam when you know you're going to fail anyways

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Be as vulgar as possible during the exam, make sure every sentence has every other word as a swear word or some sexual innuendo for example.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
24. Masturbate.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.